How does one write down their feelings? Especially when they have no way to describe them or have no reason for them? Their day could start off spectacular, waking up next to their boyfriend or girlfriend, smiling, singing, eating, drinking (coffee, iced tea not alcohol). Then they sit on the couch with their buttermilk Ego Waffle, all alone beside their dogs because the said partner in crime had to go to work and their sibling had to do something with their own significant other. They watch some Youtube on Apple TV and slowly feel themselves diminishing. Falling back into the patterns of last semester. Skipping class because they are tired, taking an hour plus some nap in the middle of the day, not really being tired but could sleep so does. Then waking up and sitting there, doing nothing but watching more Apple TV and Netflix. Promising themselves to be more productive, but does not actually do anything besides bring down the laptop and textbook. Gets lost in a trance of Pretty Little Liars and more Youtube videos. Then suddenly its 3:30 and they will no longer be home alone, they look around (feeling disgusted with themselves for not doing anything) and figure they should clean up the three empty bowls that once held leftover macaroni and cheese, Chex Mix, and popcorn. The four cans of Arizona Ginseng and Honey Iced Tea, the glass that was used for drinking, the cup that had an inch left of lukewarm coffee left all had to be cleaned up along with the untouched textbook and laptop. They put all of this in the dishwasher, after emptying the clean load out, and then they move to the bedroom. This individual decided they had enough of the uncleanliness of the room and all of the clutter that followed a night of throwing different clean outfits on the floor, makeup scattered everywhere, and significant other’s trash from the night before. So they cleaned. They did not organize; they just put stuff away where it was supposed to be. Drawers haunting them because they're hidden clutter, yet they will not do anything about it because they are purely lazy, exhausted, and pathetic. Then they put their homework on the dining room table, thinking if they sit out there; they have to be productive. Then someone comes home… No longer alone, they continue to clean. Made the bed. Lit the new Jo Malone candle they got from their birthday the weekend previous and then went out to the dining room. They look at their books, feeling uncomfortable and decide, they like the environment of their bedroom better, post clean. They lay their books out onto the bed, sit down and writes a “To Do List 1/28.” Completes one thing on the list (email their teacher) and then adds another thing they did (emailing a supervisor) so that they felt better about completing more. They complete and check off the box for three things, the two listed above as well as “Genetics Note Cards.” Why this is plural, who knows because it was only one note card of sample question that the answers were given to. No actual work has been done. Then this person gets distracted when they start to read the Chapter 2 of the genetics book. They get lost in an app where you post pictures. Then they get that feeling again. The one that feels like a ball in their chest, right above their stomach, but it isn't in their stomach. Yet. They eyes get heavy, breathing gets deeper and seems more significant. They want just to crawl under the covers and go to sleep, but they know they cant. They do not want this to control them again like it has in the past. So they decide to write. To get all of this off their mind, so far it hasn't worked. It makes them seem less productive with their checklist because they are wasting the time they could be doing important things with doing this. Yet they don't stop, because they know if they actually try to get back to the list they will get distracted again. So might as well do something they've been told my many to do in the past, to write about it. The feeling is still here, and they are debating giving into it. Taking medicine, falling asleep, and dealing with this shit tomorrow. They will only feel worse later on, but feeling better now is what they want. So they will stop writing, and decide from there. This is a day, a moment, and a feeling of someone who is falling back into old habits.
